TWITTER legend and international man of mystery @Not_Keith_Hill has built a local fan base thanks to his comical tweets about Barnsley FC. He isn't Keith Hill - but he pretends to be. He writes an exlusive match report for WAB on the Barnsley V Millwall match. *** DISCLAIMER: Not Keith isn't the real Keith and he isn't affiliated in any way to Barnsley Football Club - this is a mix of fact and fiction! His column is meant to raise a smile. ***

Darius Henderson scored a hat-trick in a game which gave Millwall their first victory in four league games – THE SWINE!

Two goals in three 1st half minutes put Millwall in total control of the game and Henderson put the game beyond doubt with a powerful drive with 14 minutes remaining, at which point I gave up the ghost and started planning my tea.

Although, Jimmy McNulty pulled one back for us towards the end of the game, poking home from 12 yards. He will receive a week’s supply of Keith’s home-baked bacon cookies for this!

Millwall’s last outing in the league resulted in a 6-0 home defeat to Birmingham which was more embarrassing than Jim O’Brien’s dancing, whilst our last game was a 2-1 win at Leicester. Only one way the result could go, right? Bloomin’ wrong!

Millwall had a scare in the 1st minute when a poor backpass from Jack Smith nearly let in Craig Davies, however Millwall’s David Forde was quick to rush off his line to thwart him. The next 10 minutes were flatter than Paula Radcliffe’s puddings. The first real chance of the game fell to Millwall on 12 minutes - Hameur Bouazza picked the ball up 25 yards out and unleashed a fierce effort which flew inches wide of Steele’s left-hand post. Flicker was having kittens, but I remained as cool as a Keith-cumber.

On 28 minutes Addison tried his luck from range, but luckily for Millwall the ball sailed harmlessly over the bar. Now. I’m all for shooting. But if you’re going to shoot you need endeavour and accolades. Miles Addison has those things. But he didn’t have any pre-match trifle because he was late. Trifle = goals.

The match got its break in to life on 36 minutes. Addison (Mr no trifle) committed a needless foul on Harry Kane, and the resulting free kick ended up with Addison hauling down Liam Trotter in the box. Henderson sent Luke Steele the wrong way for 1-0. It was at this point I reached for the smokey bacon crisps.

Although we nearly hit back immediately. Dagnall’s extremely scouse effort being deflected on to the roof of the net. But, 3 minutes later Henderson doubled Millwall’s lead. A smashing chipped through ball from Nadjim Abdou caught out the Barnsley defence and Henderson slotted calmly past Steeley. Kenny Jacket was jumping around too much at this for my liking. Flicker wanted to kick him in the shins, I had to calm him down with promises of a post-match drive round Dewsbury (his favourite place… God knows why).

We had a golden opportunity to get back into the game on the stroke of half time. Jay Mc-A-Velly put in a fantastic ball, which found Bobby Hassell in acres of space, but the ball was so scared of his ginger locks it decided to go straight over the bar.

The half time team talk was a thing to behold. I never thought I’d see a grown man cry so hard that his boots untied themselves and ran away. All I said was “bit more endeavour please lads”. I won’t reveal the identity of the player to spare him the shame. I handed the lads their half time Revels and they looked up for the rest of the game. Little did I know Flicker had eaten all but the coffee flavoured ones. We’re in for a tough 2nd half now.

Dagnall nearly put us back in the game a few minutes after HT. He did well to find space in Millwall’s half and his shot brushed the post on it’s way out.

I thought I’d make a double substitution mainly in hope of getting back in to the game – but also because Wiseman kept humming Take That songs – they needed shifting out of the dugout fast. I swapped them for Hassell and Dagnall.

Millwall continued to pressurise and this paid off on 76 minutes. Some lacklustre defending from Jay Mc-A-Velly allowed Henderson to smash past Steele to tie up the points. Mc-A-Velly will now have to complete the walk of shame after the game – dressed as a baby, carrying a large box of ham through a sports hall full of dogs. Keith knows man management.

Our best chance of the 2nd half yet came on 86 minutes when Wiseman delivered a peach of a cross from the right hand side but Gray could only head wide. Gray has accolades, but I reckon I could’ve scored that, even after one of my Sunday toast eating sessions!

We did eventually get a goal. Some great work on the left wing from Vaz Te allowed him to get in behind the Millwall defence to drag the ball back to McNulty who curled the ball in to the net. I was impressed with McNulty today. He showed endeavour and was Keith’s scouser of the match.

So, we’ve lost the game, but I’ve learned even more about the players. I’ve learned that Luke Steele eats a lot of snacks during the game as there appeared to be a hell of a lot of crisp packets blowing around his penalty box. We must remember it’s not about single games, it’s about developing the squad and the club over a longer period of time. And also about clean sheets. Whatever they are. Now, I need to get home. Getting a takeaway tonight, can’t decide whether to have rice or chips though…